THE QUESTIONABLE BEASTIALITY OF THE BAYOU

Before squat launching myself to the bayou for my Southern Sabbatical, I heard unimaginable tales of foreboding. One axiom in particular was, "New Orleans will either chew you up and spit you out, or dig her claws into you." Such claims and monstrous sounding pleasures have completely eluded me for 9 months. Where does this proverbial Confederate Jabberwocky reside? Has it suffered some crippling orthodontia and had it's South paws declawed? There are telltale signs of it's whereabouts, the abundant alcohol embalmed husks that walk the streets of the French Quarter. Temptation in a Hand Grenade, the radioactive green plastic vessels speedily anesthetize countless victims. Though back to mastication and hooked appendages, I remain unmarred and not fully impressed by this beast. There doesn't seem to be enough lockjaw or lockstitching to even get my mouth wet. For if there was, this protagonist, one Gothic Yankee would scornfully spit in the mouth of this Gulf for being absent. Oh lament, varmint of vexation...have you crawled off in fear?  Perhaps it's just that time of the month, as it occurs to me menstruating below sea level isn't natural. Explanations are always hard to come by, though answers always seem to abound.

These days I find myself doing more head scratching than a dandruff convention. The skids of Southern culture are either termite infested or got turned into bar stools. It's highly possible that the beast was injured during hurricane Katrina along with so many American dreams. It would have been more prudent to turn those bar stools into crutches. Hardly an affective use of man power, it obvious that would have hampered the rebuilding efforts. While the city is limping along, the only thing people are in a hurry for is getting to the next drink. New Orleans still remains a small town, albeit one that throws the biggest block parties around. While there is nothing like the carnival season in my experience, though in the words of Hunter S. Thompson "Things just haven't gotten weird enough for me yet."